Mucking with Movies: ‘Red One’

I have mentioned in this column numerous times that I’m a professional wrestling fan above all else, so every time a Dwayne Johnson-driven vehicle flops, I celebrate as now I am closer to seeing The Rock back in the ring. Throw in my Judaism; I was ready to hate-watch the ish out of “Christmas With The Kranks” meets “John Wick” Christmas/action mashup “Red One.” But truth be told, it wasn’t so bad! It was not particularly good, but it managed to fight past my cynicism and satisfy me that I wasn’t wasting my time completely. 

Now, despite the fact I’ve been bar mitvahed (in a purple velvet suit, fedora, and skinny jeans, no less), I do adore Christmas movies. Something about the music, the wholesomeness, the inventive ways writers figure out how to legitimize the magic of Santa Claus in the real world. Every year, my mom and I can spend Dec. 25 together; we get hammered and watch “Elf” over and over again. In that flick, Jon Favreau brought the North Pole to New York City, but here, director Jake Kasdan and writer Chris Morgan bring New York City to the North Pole and beyond. Cramming every single bit of mysticism that could be squeezed from Christmas lore, along with the traditional stuff, we get some deep cuts (who knew there was a Santa witch who charged themselves with punishing the naughty list), a little German and some Nordic mythology sprinkled on there for flavor.

It was a smart idea to liven up a stale genre, but the glimpses into these worlds were far between. It was the opposite of being spread too thin; it was like watching somebody make delicious chocolate chip cookies but waste all the chips in one cookie and none in the other. It should have been overstuffed with all these silly creatures. Certainly, there were enough characters offering more than enough opportunities to go wild with visual effects, but they skipped over the chance. If you’re going to make a movie that is shamelessly unrealistic, you should use that opening to crank the imagination, to create something beautiful that is unburdened by the shackles of realism. The film had a bipedal polar bear as part of Santa Claus’s Secret Service! Voiced extraordinarily charismatically by Reinaldo Garcia! Sounds cool, right? Something you want to see? Yeah, he probably had all about four minutes of screen time in total. A total misuse of the tools at your disposal.

The movie became engaging during the moments when the characters grappled with the warlocks, the monsters, and the minotaurs. However, those scenes came and went fast, followed by long swaths of dithering exposition that were neither entertaining nor an interesting setup for a follow-up that would come later. This was the majority of the second act, during which I struggled to keep myself awake. Slapping myself and slurping down my large Pepsi did little to help overcome the boredom. 

There was just nothing to grasp onto; it would have been better off punting itself toward an R rating. It tried to split the difference with its audience with a one-for-the-kids and then one-for-the-adults tic-for-tac attitude that ultimately leaves the film without an identity. It is always better to play to a base and let the audience expand instead of trying to please everyone. Neglects the fact that if you make something that’s great for adults to enjoy, kids are going to find a way to spend money to sneak in to spend money on your flick, and if you make something for kids that is well-crafted adults hardened over hearts will soar and line up to hand over their hard-earned cash so they can get in touch with their inner child again. Go check the “Paddington” franchise’s box office numbers if you want to fact-check my conjecture. 

The highlights were few, but there were highlights. The first act establishes a smart, strong rubric that establishes the film’s world well. It supports a thesis that they are going for a unique take on the Christmas world, with Santa being a jacked-up J.K. Simmons who has to train to deliver presents every year. Then the ending fulfills that wish for funky Christmas logistical world-building, but by the time you get there, you’re already bored out of your skull. Put it on if you want to have a nice nap on Christmas Day. 

Critic Score: 4.2/10

Jack Simon is a mogul coach and writer/director who enjoys eating food he can’t afford, traveling to places out of his budget, and creating art about skiing, eating, and traveling while broke. Check out his website jacksimonmakes.com to see his Jack’s Jitney travelogue series. You can email him at [email protected] for inquiries of any type.

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