About the Author:
Sheikh Dr. Nasser bin Suleiman Al-Omar, born in 1952 in Al-Qassim, Saudi Arabia, is a distinguished Islamic scholar. He holds a Ph.D. in Quranic Studies and has served as a professor at Imam Muhammad bin Saud Islamic University. He is renowned for his numerous lectures, books, and research.
The book Foundations of Marital Happiness by Sheikh Dr. Nasser bin Suleiman Al-Omar addresses the topic of marital happiness, which lies at the core of Islamic society. In his introduction, Sheikh Al-Omar explains that his choice of this subject is motivated by several reasons, the most notable of which are: the importance of marital happiness as a goal pursued by every husband and wife, and the growing rate of marital disputes leading to divorce. Global statistics indicate alarmingly high divorce rates: 48% in the United States, 62% in some parts of Europe, and around 20% in Arab countries. Furthermore, many households persist in unhappiness and division.
The author emphasizes the role of a stable family in raising righteous generations, where children are nurtured in an environment of tranquility, away from stress. Such an environment contributes to producing individuals capable of carrying the message of Islam. Based on this perspective, the book highlights Islam’s focus on establishing marital life on firm foundations of affection and mercy, as indicated in Quranic ayahs like:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” (Ar-Rum: 21) The book also refers to Prophetic hadiths, such as the saying of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ: “Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
Sheikh Al-Omar presents this topic after consultation and research in specialized sources, illustrating that marital happiness can be achieved by adhering to Islamic guidance, which provides a comprehensive system that ensures stability and joy in every aspect of life. This begins with setting a noble objective for marriage and extends to building a cohesive family, the cornerstone of a righteous society.
The Threat to Muslim Families
The book discusses the dangers of attacks by enemies of Islam on Muslim families, highlighting that their primary goal is to dismantle the family unit due to its direct impact on the collapse of the Islamic society as a whole. Statistics from juvenile detention centers reveal that 70% to 80% of the causes of juvenile delinquency are linked to family issues. Thus, adversaries systematically target families.
Pre-Marriage Considerations
The author delves into matters to consider before marriage, starting with the selection of a life partner based on religion as the primary criterion, along with other traits like beauty, lineage, and wealth—though these should not take precedence over religiosity. The book stresses the importance of the woman’s guardian ensuring the prospective husband’s religious commitment and morals to secure marital success. It also warns about the influence of the surrounding environment, suggesting that the choice of a spouse should extend to include the families of both parties, as the familial atmosphere significantly impacts marital stability.
Marriage Proposal
The book discusses the topic of a suitor viewing his prospective bride, pointing out that societies tend to either exaggerate or neglect this matter. While some completely forbid any viewing, which contradicts the Sunnah, others are overly permissive, leading to moral and societal problems. The proper approach lies in allowing such viewing within Islamic guidelines, as it fosters mutual understanding and good companionship, in line with the Prophet’s instruction to Al-Mughirah when he proposed to a woman:
“Look at her, for indeed that is more likely to make things better between the two of you.” (Ahmad and At-Tirmidhi)
Excessive Dowries and Extravagant Weddings
The book criticizes the excessive dowries and lavish wedding celebrations that burden husbands with debt, emphasizing that such practices contradict the simplicity of the Prophet’s own marriages. The Prophet ﷺ said: “The best dowry is that which is most easy.” (Abu Dawood)
Extravagance creates an unstable and tense marital environment, whereas moderation and simplicity in marriage help establish a happy and stable life.
Rights Between Spouses
The book categorizes marital rights into three sections:
- Rights of the Husband over the Wife
Among the most significant rights of the husband over his wife is qawamah (guardianship), which the Qur’an establishes as a necessity for ensuring family stability and cohesion. The husband’s relinquishment of this responsibility can lead to a disruption of marital life, as the woman is naturally inclined to seek refuge in a strong and reliable support. The husband also has the right to expect his wife to obey him in what is good, to avoid allowing anyone into their home without his permission, and not to fast voluntarily without his consent, out of consideration for his rights and needs. Moreover, she is expected to protect herself, her husband’s wealth, and their children, as she is entrusted with the home. She should also serve her husband in a customary manner suitable to her abilities, without imposing undue burdens that may strain him.
- Rights of the Wife over the Husband
As for the wife’s rights over her husband, they include the right to a dowry that is neither excessive nor insufficient, financial support, and suitable accommodation according to the husband’s capacity. The husband must also treat her with good character and gentleness, following the example of the Prophet ﷺ. He should show her compassion, live with her honorably, and not neglect her by indulging in distractions such as late-night outings that undermine her rights. He is also obligated to educate her about her religion, particularly if she lacks Islamic knowledge. Additionally, he should be protective of her, safeguard her dignity and honor, and prevent situations that might expose her to inappropriate interactions.
- Mutual Rights
There are also mutual rights between the spouses, such as maintaining the confidentiality of their private matters and not disclosing their secrets. They should also offer each other sincere advice, with both parties being open to counsel without perceiving it as a challenge to their authority. Consultation between them is essential, especially in family matters, as demonstrated by the Prophet ﷺ when he sought the advice of Umm Salamah at Hudaybiyyah. They should also express love and use kind words with one another, as such actions play a fundamental role in building a happy and stable marital life.
Realism in Marital Life
The Sheikh emphasizes the importance of realism in marital life, covering aspects such as dowries, wedding ceremonies, and gifts. These should not impose undue financial burdens on the husband but rather align with his financial capabilities. Realism should also extend to household expenses, with the wife taking the husband’s financial situation into account and avoiding excessive demands. However, this does not justify stinginess, as the husband is expected to provide generously within his means. Additionally, the couple should have realistic expectations regarding each other’s qualities, avoiding perfectionism. They must be moderate in their expectations and acknowledge that neither of them can achieve complete perfection. Realism should also guide their approach to claiming rights and fulfilling responsibilities, as they should aim to ease each other’s burdens and avoid placing excessive demands on one another.
Understanding Each Other
Understanding each other is a fundamental aspect of achieving a stable and happy marital life. Both spouses should strive to comprehend each other’s nature, preferences, dislikes, and what pleases or displeases them. This understanding should come through observing one another’s actions and words, rather than solely relying on verbal communication. An example is the wife of Judge Shurayh, who understood her husband’s desires and needs from the beginning of their marriage, leading to a peaceful and stable marital life for twenty years.
Children
The book highlights the importance of having and raising children as a primary goal of marriage. Delaying parenthood for reasons like work or education can create problems. Islam encourages procreation while maintaining health. Regarding child-rearing, each parent has specific roles based on the child’s age and needs. Unity in parenting decisions is critical to avoid undermining parental authority.
Good Relations with In-Laws
The Sheikh discusses the importance of maintaining good relationships with the parents and relatives of both spouses. Each spouse should respect the other’s parents and relatives, refraining from speaking ill of them, as such behavior can sow discord and create animosity between the couple. Instead, they should show respect and kindness to each other’s families, even if they do not harbor strong feelings of affection for them.
Resolving Marital Conflicts
No household is free from problems, but couples must adhere to a set of essential principles to resolve these issues effectively:
- Patience and Wisdom: One of the most critical measures to take when discord arises in a marital home is to extinguish the flames of conflict with the water of patience and wisdom. Otherwise, the fire may intensify, leading to the destruction of the household.
- Adaptation: Couples must learn to adapt to each other’s differences in temperament and background. This adaptability is particularly crucial during the early stages of marriage.
- Controlling the Tongue: Restraining the tongue from offensive words and unnecessary talk is one of the greatest tools to close the door to disputes. A wise person, when reflecting on most human conflicts, let alone marital disputes, will find that they often stem from careless words.
- Keeping Problems Within the Household: Sharing marital issues with family members or others can complicate matters further and exacerbate the problem. Couples should agree not to take their disputes outside their marital home and to ensure that no issue remains unresolved overnight.
- Seeking Professional Advice: Turning to experts and those with experience can help prevent problems from escalating and provide suitable solutions to complex issues.
- Acceptance of Divine Decree: One of the most important factors that help couples endure and overcome challenges is believing that trials, whether related to having children, a partner’s characteristics, or other difficulties, are part of Allah’s decree. Patience and seeking Allah’s reward assist in facing life’s hardships.
The Sheikh concludes his book by addressing several diverse topics:
Women’s Employment: A woman’s work is permissible if agreed upon with her husband or stipulated as a condition during the marriage contract. However, if the work negatively affects marital life, mutual understanding and compromises should prevail to ensure family stability.
A Wife’s Wealth: A woman has complete autonomy over her wealth without interference from her husband. A husband’s greed for his wife’s wealth can disrupt harmony and lead to serious issues. Islam recognizes a woman’s right to her wealth, as Allah says, “And give the women upon marriage their due compensation graciously. But if they give up willingly to you anything of it, then take it in satisfaction and ease.” (An-Nisa: 4)
Adorning and Beautification: Beautification is a mutual right between spouses to maintain affection and satisfaction. Neglecting this aspect by either party can lead to aversion. A woman should adorn herself for her husband, and likewise, the husband should maintain his appearance, as beauty is a natural desire for both.
The Wife’s Mother (Mother-in-Law): The image of the mother-in-law as an enemy to the husband, often portrayed in media, is usually exaggerated and inaccurate. Most mothers-in-law strive for their daughters’ and sons-in-law’s happiness and may even sacrifice their comfort to achieve it.
Polygamy: Polygamy is permissible, provided that justice among wives is maintained and the husband has the ability to fulfill his obligations. Hastiness in pursuing polygamy without adhering to its Islamic conditions can lead to familial problems.
Committing Sins in the Name of Happiness: Marital happiness cannot be achieved through sinful acts such as traveling to prohibited places or watching immoral content. Such actions bring misery and harm relationships, as Allah says, “And whatever strikes you of disaster – it is for what your hands have earned.” (Ash-Shura: 30)
Exchanging Gifts: Exchanging gifts between spouses and their families strengthens love and dispels grudges. Even small gifts have a significant impact on fostering affection, alongside maintaining a cheerful demeanor and spreading peace, which also contribute to building a strong marital relationship.
Thus, a believing family is established, nurturing righteous generations who will become leaders and reformers of the Ummah. Adhering to the Qur’an and Sunnah as a way of life is the only path to achieving true happiness in this world and attaining eternal bliss in the Hereafter. As Allah says, “So whoever follows My guidance will neither go astray [in the world] nor suffer [in the Hereafter].” (Ta-Ha: 123)
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