I Have Never Felt Alive
by Christian Gilman Whitney
Genre: Literary Fiction
ISBN: 9798891325166
Print Length: 184 pages
Publisher: Atmosphere Press
Reviewed by John M. Murray
A frantic slice-of-life drama about a young man struggling with a dying mother and the ramifications of living too much in the past
Ryan left his small hometown just after college, but news of his mother’s failing health drags him back. She’s been transferred to an assisted living facility with the clear indication that she doesn’t have much time.
Their strained relationship muddies his feelings, and instead of visiting her, he reconnects with his high school friends. Except that the once quiet town sags under the weight of abandoned businesses, contaminated land, and increasing violence. Ryan distracts himself from his dying mother’s last days by diving too deep into drugs, alcohol, and sex.
The story spans a few days of Ryan arriving in town and doing everything he can to avoid confronting his mother and their uncomfortable relationship—one defined by verbal sparring and one-sided affection. He reconnects with AJ, a high school friend whose life has devolved into violence and drugs just to feel alive. Ryan realizes that even though AJ’s life is a train wreck, Ryan has never felt as alive as AJ. It’s a painful realization to watch Ryan work through as he compares his decent job in the city to AJ’s chaotic existence.
Ryan spends little time doing nothing which gives the story a fantastic sense of momentum. He’s always moving and overthinking—often leading to stream of consciousness narrations about his fantastical desires to incite violence before accepting his milquetoast ways.
His attempts to reconnect with Sierra, his old girlfriend, are clearly one-sided as she uses him for sex even as he tries to build an emotional bond neither of them wants. All of which results in a realistic depiction of a complicated young man adrift in life trying to find meaning at the bottom of a bottle, at the end of a blunt, or between the sheets with any willing woman.
The writing is evocative with an engaging sense of cadence, often switching between short and long sentences to build an almost lyrical rhythm. He describes the evening sky as “one of those late May cotton candy sunsets.” Ryan isn’t that lyrical or poetic in his everyday speech, but his thoughts are deeper than he realizes. The stream of consciousness narrations that bubble to the surface whenever Ryan is overwhelmed or disinhibited are fascinating paradoxes. He wildly veers from describing how he’d brutally attack Sierra’s new romance before breaking down his thoughts and realizing he’s spiraling.
I Have Never Felt Alive spans a few days of an adrift young man’s life coming to grips with grief and an uncertain future. It is an uncomfortable but captivating story filled with explosive action and erotic encounters—a vivid character study overflowing with emotional revelations about the vagaries of life.
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