In a dramatic campaign appearance that left Adventist leaders scrambling for response, former President Donald Trump appeared at a Wisconsin rally wearing a fluorescent safety vest and promised to address what he called “a tremendous literature crisis in our beautiful cities.”
“Folks, you wouldn’t believe it – these books, these Great Controversy books, they’re everywhere. Behind hospitals, in laundromats, on park benches. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it,” Trump declared while holding up a weathered copy. “Some people say they’re appearing faster than we can clean them up. It’s a disaster, folks, a complete disaster.”
The Campaign Promise
Trump outlined his ambitious “Operation Clean Controversy” initiative, promising to remove what he estimated as “billions and billions” of copies from American cities within his first 100 days in office. “We’re going to make our cities clean again. No more books left in bathroom stalls – it’s disgusting, folks, absolutely disgusting.”
The former president claimed to have insider knowledge about the source of the literature distribution. “I know exactly who’s doing this. They’re very nice people, tremendous people, but they’re leaving these books faster than anyone can read them. Some say faster than the speed of light, and believe me, I know about speed.”
Response from the Field
Local conference officials were caught off guard by the sudden spotlight on their literature evangelism program. “We appreciate Mr. Trump’s concern about urban cleanliness,” said one anonymous church administrator, “but we wish he hadn’t referred to our flagship missionary book as ‘that controversial thing with the really, really scary cover.’”
The Clean-up Plan
According to Trump’s proposed solution, special “beautiful, tremendous” book collection teams would be deployed in major cities, alongside the creation of “Great Controversy containment facilities” in every state. The former president also announced plans for a “one-in, one-out” policy for future literature distribution and a special task force to investigate “suspicious book appearances” in random hotel drawers.
“Nobody knew book distribution could be so complicated,” Trump admitted while attemptng to pronounce “Ellen G. White.” He then suggested that perhaps the books could be repurposed to “build something beautiful, maybe even a wall.”
The former president concluded his rally by promising to personally oversee the first book collection effort, though observers noted he seemed confused about the difference between The Great Controversy and Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories, which he claimed to have “read many, many times, possibly more than anybody.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
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