Five books to help you disagree productively in 2025

Even in a time of sharp division, people can learn how to have more open, empathetic, and constructive dialogue in disagreements.

Norman W. Spaulding, the Nelson Bowman Sweitzer and Marie B. Sweitzer Professor in Law, helps people do just that through ePluribus Stanford, an initiative that seeks to cultivate constructive dialogue on campus.

“When we improve skills like active listening and attention to cognitive bias and the ability to charitably summarize what someone has said, we deepen intellectual rigor, critical thinking, and deliberation,” Spaulding said. “We can also de-escalate conflict, deepen human connection and understanding, reap dividends from dissent, and create the conditions for positive change.”

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Norman Spaulding is the Nelson Bowman Sweitzer and Marie B. Sweitzer Professor in Law. | Andrew Brodhead

To cultivate better dialogue skills, Spaulding recommends several books that can help guide readers toward creating meaningful opportunities to be heard and understood – which he calls both a profound human need and a central component of free expression and justice.

“These books focus on skills for working effectively across differences in identity, belief, ideology, and values,” Spaulding said, “especially how to have conversations that lead to deeper understanding and constructive solutions rather than cross-talk, defensiveness, polarization, and demonization of people with whom we disagree or believe to be responsible for wrong.”

Here, Spaulding introduces five books that can help people develop civil discourse skills:

Challenging Conflict: Mediation Through Understanding by Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein

This book is by a prominent mediator who has worked around the world on conflict mediation. The book’s most important lesson is that in any disagreement there is no hope of resolution without developing a strong understanding of how the other side sees the problem. Once we shift our focus from imposing our meaning on a dispute to understanding it, the conversation is much more likely to be constructive even if agreement is impossible. Our own position may also evolve as we develop a deeper appreciation of the problem. The power of seeking understanding is important not only to conflict resolution but also to effective social change and policy advocacy, and also to higher education, where the goal is to use mutual engagement to advance critical inquiry with respect to the very hardest questions (most of which do not have consensus answers).
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen

This is a standard text in courses on negotiation and a wonderful introduction to the building blocks of constructive dialogue. Examples are drawn from meaningful conversations in many different contexts – work, family, and social conflict. The authors recognize that a meaningful conversation almost always operates on two levels. One is the substance of the disagreement. That is where our attention usually is – on the fact of disagreement and the topic. The other level is the form of the disagreement – not just the tone of how we express our ideas, but also whether we are aware of the impact of what we say rather than just our intentions, and the fact that emotions (our own and our interlocutor’s) have to be recognized and dealt with alongside the substantive issues. The book’s examples will feel a bit dated – our public discourse has become far more polarized than when the book was written, and there isn’t enough attention to how to address differences in power between interlocutors – but it remains an informative standard reference and a terrific introduction to the key skills.
I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times by Mónica Guzmán

Guzmán is a Mexican American journalist in Seattle who offers a simple but compelling solution to the problem of polarization. Anyone can help reduce polarization by moving past assumptions, stereotypes, labels, and slogans and becoming more curious about people with whom we disagree – especially people we think are wrong about things that matter to us. She shows that initial assumptions often turn out to be incorrect, that there are almost always points of shared experience and interest, and that even if we walk away still thinking the other person is dead wrong, we have a deeper appreciation for why they believe something just as strongly as we do. She pairs personal anecdotes about political divisions in her own family and professional experiences about having to develop sources in conservative areas outside of Seattle. She also offers practical advice about cultivating curiosity and implementing it in dialogue. As she puts it, “‘What am I missing?’ is not just any question. It’s the question. It’s the doorstop to put down in the hallways of your mind to keep open possibilities from slamming into harmful assumptions.”
Race Talk and the Conspiracy of Silence: Understanding and Facilitating Difficult Dialogues on Race by Derald Wing Sue

This book demonstrates the many ways that conventional discussions of race in our society quickly become dysfunctional. There are many habits, discursive patterns, and biases that make discussions about race superficial, hurtful, and defensive, even when people come to the conversation with the best of intentions. Given how powerfully and tragically racial prejudice has shaped our nation’s history and culture, inability to discuss it constructively is a profound barrier to racial progress. Too often the burden is placed on people of color to carry these conversations, or the conversation never reaches the hardest issues because everyone is afraid of being misinterpreted, dismissed, or accused of prejudice. The book describes concrete things people can do to have genuinely open and intellectually serious discussions of race. Some of the recommendations risk inverting stereotypes rather than undoing them, but in a society as uncomfortable with race talk as ours, a serious effort to grapple with the mechanics of race talk is valuable.
High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley

This book is by a journalist who has reported on violent conflicts around the world. The book explores the dynamics of conflicts that seem to become self-perpetuating. One of the deepest insights is that in “high conflict” (when it becomes “us” vs. “them”), participants become attached to the conflict itself, and “conflict entrepreneurs” emerge to insist on in-group solidarity and stifle constructive engagement with the other side. Groupthink sets in, pushing each side to ignore facts that undermine their position as it radicalizes, and acts that each side believes are authentic expressions of their position tend to be received as escalations. In the most dysfunctional high conflict, participants take actions that contradict the very principles they advocate. The book distinguishes these dynamics from “good conflict,” which leads to learning and mutual regard and creates the conditions for depolarization and resolution. At a time when our society is deeply polarized and the loudest, most controversial voices often dominate the public square, this book helps illuminate alternatives to high conflict. One of the most compelling parts of the book is her story about Gary Friedman, the author of Challenging Conflict, who upon joining the town council of Muir Beach falls into the very polarizing, adversarial modes of dialogue and governance he has dedicated his life as a mediator to curing. As with other examples she discusses, it provides a welcome reminder that we are all susceptible to the lure of high conflict, the more so the more fervently we believe in a cause.

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Five books to help you disagree productively in 2025

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