Eagles wide receiver A.J. Brown ignited a public kerfuffle Sunday when he was spotted reading a book — Inner Excellence: Train Your Mind for Extraordinary Performance and the Best Possible Life, by Jim Murphy — to inspire himself during the team’s wild-card victory over the Green Bay Packers.
It was a ridiculous act, one that besmirched the integrity and sanctity of this hallowed sport and its timeless traditions. Brown should have known better. So to make sure that, in the future, he engages in behavior more appropriate for an NFL sideline, here are 30 things he could do instead of paging through Inner Excellence.
1. Think about football and not think about anything other than football because anyone on an NFL sideline who spends any time doing anything other than thinking about football is a selfish loser who isn’t committed to football or winning or winning football.
2. Figure out whether Jalen Hurts or Kellen Moore was more to blame for the Eagles’ lackluster passing performance against the Packers. If nothing else, at least Brown can be more specific in his postgame comments.
3. Call Seth Joyner to find out exactly when and under what conditions it’s permissible for someone to criticize Hurts.
4. Crack some smelling salts, just for the rush.
5. Explain why the 76ers decided to build their new arena in South Philly instead of at 10th and Market. Which would be nice, because no one else has explained it.
6. Listen to Led Zeppelin IV or The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill from beginning to end.
7. Listen to a podcast. Maybe New Heights with the Kelce brothers. Or Not Gonna Lie with Kylie Kelce. I mean, everyone else does.
8. Start a podcast. I mean, everyone else has.
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9. Watch Saquon Barkley.
10. Watch Season 2 of The Bear.
11. Watch every Kevin Hart movie from beginning to end. It would be a true achievement. Even Kevin Hart hasn’t done that.
12. Watch Jason Kelce’s new late-night TV show. I mean, someone should.
13. Tell DeVonta Smith to calm down. Smith gave Barkley grief Sunday for sliding to the ground to run out the clock instead of scoring a touchdown on his final carry. Hey, DeVonta, always remember: time, place, score, situation.
14. Help Big Dom ID bullies in the stands.
15. Light up a Marlboro. Smokin’ A.J. Brown > Smokin’ Jay Cutler.
16. Scroll through social-media feeds. Athletes are role models. Why show kids that they can read books in their spare time when they can just stare at their phones some more?
17. Eat a hot dog. Mark Sanchez did that in 2009, when he was the Jets’ starting quarterback. Squeezed a packet of yellow mustard on it and chowed down right there during a game. No time to get some ketchup, sriracha, and relish, I guess, which is a shame. That combination on a dog is money. Sweet. Spicy. Sour. Try it. You’ll thank me.
18. Eat chicken tenders. Sanchez did that, too, when he was with the Eagles in 2014. Even recommended them to Nick Foles. Fox Sports now pays Sanchez to analyze football games and football teams and think very hard about football and winning and winning football, so obviously he learned his lesson.
19. Eat a cheesesteak. Hey, A.J., always remember: time, place, score, local delicacies.
20. Order a Sleep Number mattress for John Mara.
21. Dump a bucket of Gatorade on Nick Sirianni’s head. Dumping a bucket of Gatorade on a coach’s head apparently never gets old in the NFL. It’s been nearly 40 years since the Giants started doing it to Bill Parcells, and the Chiefs did it to Andy Reid after last year’s Super Bowl. Most everything else about pro football has evolved. Offenses are more complex. Defenses are more sophisticated. Players are bigger, faster, more versatile. Yet the preferred method of celebration remains dousing a coach with sugar water and ice. The staying power of the Gatorade shower is truly remarkable.
22. Yell at some fans. Someone has to pick up the slack for Nick.
23. Use a Microsoft Surface tablet to review high-res images of plays from earlier in the game.
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24. Use a Microsoft Surface tablet to see if there’s a team out there willing to sign Sam Darnold to a long-term contract.
25. Make sure no coaches, players, or staff members catch on fire from the sideline heaters. This is not a joke. (Well, it’s kind of a joke.) Those machines reach such high temperatures that clothes and equipment sometimes burn while people are still wearing them. “You have layers of stuff on, so you can’t really feel the direct heat,” veteran offensive lineman Ike Boettger told The New York Times in 2023. “But then you smell something.”
26. Read the ChatGPT summary of Inner Excellence. It’s just “DO BETTER,” so it would’ve saved some time. Which Brown could have spent thinking about football.
27. Read The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson or Hoop Roots by John Edgar Wideman or A Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin. You want inspiration? That’s inspiration.
28. Read any number of books written by people who do cover or have covered the Eagles. Ahem.
29. Seriously, A.J. Ahem.
30. Take a turn as the Eagles’ sideline reporter.
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