This post was originally published on here
Content Warning: The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith contains very mature and possibly triggering themes such as:
- Rape and sexual assault
- Substance abuse
- Bullying
- Grief
- Violence
- Suicidal thoughts
Since October of 2023, I’ve considered reading my favorite hobby. There’s something about the immersivity of experiencing someone else’s thoughts and creativity. Sure, it’s difficult to balance reading for fun with my academic career and social life, but when I’m able to sit down and read a book, I feel so relaxed. And there have been other times where a book makes me feel such intense and complex emotions that I need some time to reflect on it.
Last summer, I picked up the YA contemporary fiction novel, The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith. The cover is simply two dandelions which give nothing away about the story. I never expected the impact that this book ended up having on me. It is now on my top 5 favorite books list.
This book is about Eden McCorey, a 14-year-old girl whose life is heartbreakingly altered when she is raped by her older brother’s best friend. The book is separated into four parts: Eden’s freshmen, sophomore, junior and senior years of high school. As the reader, you see how Eden grieves the person she was before this happened to her.
The reason why I was so enthralled by this book was how realistic Eden’s conversations with her friends and family were. You could feel the anxiety she had since she hadn’t told anyone what happened to her. When her friends would ask if she was okay, the weight of the truth felt so heavy on my heart. Eden begins to hate herself due to the way her experience made her body and mind feel. She felt as if her entire personality was taken away from her.
One scene that is engraved into my head, which was when Eden tells her family what happened, which led to calling the police. The police asked her if she would feel more comfortable with writing what happened. Eden then grabs a crayon.
The crayon represents so much. She holds a symbol of childhood in her hand, yet she writes the truth that destroyed part of hers. “I start to write it neatly, but an ugly word need not look pretty.” She then writes the word “rape.” The author’s goal of not wanting to glorify any part of Eden’s story is shown. The Way I Used to Be shows the indescribable process that victims of rape and sexual assault go through.
When I came up with the idea of writing this article, I was a little nervous because I wouldn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, even with the content warning included. However, that’s what makes this book so special to me. It proves that even though these topics are often viewed as discomforting, they need to be discussed. Eden is fictional, but her story is far from it.
