Dreadful Minecraft Movie will make you want to block your memory of moviegoing
Open this photo in gallery:Actress Emma Myers stars an an influencer whose backstory the movie doesn’t bother fleshing out.Courtesy Warner Bros. Pictures/The Associated PressSave for laterA Minecraft MovieDirected by Jared HessWritten by Chris Bowman, Hubbel Palmer, Neil Widener, Gavin James and Chris GallettaStarring Jack Black, Jason Momoa and Jennifer CoolidgeClassification PG; 101 minutesOpens in theatres April 4If Minecraft is the game where kids exercise their creativity by building new digital worlds full of tunnels and fortresses, A Minecraft Movie is where that creativity goes to die.The movie, scrapped together by Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess, is a jumbled mess of video-game-to-movie tropes and self-deprecating gags so lazily rehashed they tend to whimper toward the punchline. That didn’t prevent my own young teens – who were flattered by all the callbacks to their childhood experiences in the game’s so-called “Overworld” – from enthusiastically declaring A Minecraft Movie “a nine out of 10,” which just makes me question whether I’ve been raising them right.The problems with this latest attempt at mining a popular franchise begin with its very conception. Minecraft, one of the best-selling video games of all time (falling just behind Tetris), allows players to enter an earthy unspoiled landscape, where everything from the trees and concrete to llamas are blocky by design. The cubed aesthetic turned the pixelated look of decades-old video game graphics into a feature instead of a bug, while nodding to its tactile predecessor: Lego. And like Lego’s sandbox style of play, Minecraft left kids free to design their own intricate 3D worlds and roam their imaginations. That’s the core to its appeal.An unimaginative movie that narrows down those joys to a linear and derivative plot, aiming for the same appeal as Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle and The Super Mario Bros. Movie, runs counter to Minecraft’s very soul. And this one even lifts a key ingredient from those aforementioned blockbuster adaptations: Jack Black. But his performing monkey routine, complete with the occasional break into song, is missing actual gags this time around.Open this photo in gallery:From left, Jack Black, Jason Momoa and Sebastian Hansen.Courtesy Warner Bros. Pictures/The Associated PressHe stars as Steve, the blue shirt human avatar players can choose to adopt when building to their heart’s desire. In Minecraft’s exhausting opening minutes, Black’s Steve introduces us to the Overworld and its inhabitants, which include everything from sheep to zombies, and the magical orb that lands him in the Nether, a fire-and-brimstone underworld lorded over by a vengeful pig (voiced by Kate McKinnon).The prologue, which ends with Steve imprisoned in the Nether and tucking away the orb so a pig army can’t use it to destroy the Overworld, is so busy with plot and visual noise it feels like it’s cramming an entire abandoned first draft of the script into its setup. Six writers are credited to A Minecraft Movie, which, over the past decade, passed through the hands of three different directors (including Canada’s Shawn Levy of Night at the Museum fame) before landing with Hess.You can catch glimmers where Hess attempts to make this his own. Sebastian Hansen’s tween inventor Henry awkwardly trying to fit in at a new small-town school, while making a hobby out of building rocket-propelled jet packs, has a welcome Napoleon Dynamite vibe to it; especially when he befriends a has-been video game celebrity played by Jason Momoa. His Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison, styled in a pink leather jacket with frills like Macho Man Randy Savage, is as out of time and place as any of Hess’s characters (including Jack Black’s Nacho Libre).I wouldn’t have minded seeing how Henry and Garrett’s dynamic would have developed in that small-town setting, with Momoa (signing up for Dwayne Johnson duties) trying his darndest with a knowing comic performance. But this wouldn’t be a Minecraft movie if they didn’t stumble across the hidden orb and follow it into the Overworld, where they proceed to pay stamp duties to the franchise by cycling through its digital realms and familiar characters.They’re joined by Henry’s guardian (Emma Myers), an influencer whose backstory the movie doesn’t bother fleshing out like so many abandoned subplots and gags, and a real estate agent played by Danielle Brooks. The latter, an Oscar-nominee for The Color Purple, puts on her best reaction faces while likely wondering what she’s even doing here, often dangling on the edge of the frame in dreck that couldn’t care less about utilizing her talents.The only actor to come out of this unscathed is Jennifer Coolidge. She basically grafts her White Lotus character into this movie, playing a preening school principal who hits a wayward villager from the Minecraft universe with her car. Drawn to his enormous blocky head, she proceeds to wine and dine him, while uttering those trademark nonsensical laugh-out-loud observations we love Coolidge for.Her scenes are tucked safely away from the main action, which is just a chaotic and laboured tour through the franchise, with the occasional chuckle-worthy bit often drowned out by the virtual designs or Black, who is giving loud YouTube gamer energy as our guide. There’s none of the wit or even pop cultural awareness here that helped The Lego Movie or Barbie both embrace and subvert their corporate trappings, nor the creative energy that Black’s Steve keeps paying lip service to.“It’s harder to create than destroy,” says Steve, in a movie that proceeds to take its pickaxe down the easy road.