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Many of us enter relationships feeling hopeful. Although movies teach us that love can overcome any obstacle, this isn’t always the case.
Researchers have done numerous studies to try to pinpoint what predicts long-term happiness — and what factors drive couples apart.
Many people stay in the wrong relationships for too long, often because they fail to recognize the signs that it just isn’t meant to be. However, studies have provided us with some insight into what relationship red flags indicate that someone may not be a good match for us.
If you’ve ever wondered if your partner is your forever person, then you’ve come to the right place. Let’s take a closer look at five science-backed signs your partner isn’t the one.
1. You’re More Opposite Than You Are Alike
Opposites attract sounds great in theory, and it’s a great basis for a rom-com movie. But 2023 research has found that it’s a myth.
University of Colorado Boulder researchers analyzed data of millions of couples over more than a century. They looked at more than 130 traits, including things like political views, religious beliefs, and lifestyle habits (e.g. substance use).
What they found was that partners tend to share 82 to 89% of traits. They even found a correlation between being of a similar height and weight, being breastfed as a child, having the same number of sex partners, and sharing the same birth year.
While the researchers note that in rare cases, opposites can attract, the evidence strongly suggests otherwise.
The takeaway? Being too opposite can be a relationship red flag. If you can’t see eye-to-eye on core beliefs and values, there’s a good chance you’re with the wrong person.
2. You Have Toxic Communication Patterns
It’s normal for couples to argue, but some communication patterns are toxic — and according to research, strong predictors of breaking up.
Does your partner frequently roll their eyes at you, mock you, or talk down to you? Do they criticize you all the time? Do they refuse to talk to you when you argue? Are they always getting defensive? Or are you the one who displays these traits?
There’s no doubt that many of us know that these are relationship red flags. You might not even need this science-backed relationship advice to know that it’s not good — but you also might not realize how strong the evidence is.
Psychologists John Gottman and Robert Levenson have found that these four behaviors are strong indicators of a divorce or breakup. They found that eye-rolling, mocking or talking down to someone (otherwise known as contempt) and refusing to talk (also called stone-walling) are the two strongest risk factors of relationship instability.
If you and your partner show signs of contempt, get defensive, criticize one another, or shut down during disagreements, you’re not just bad at arguing with one another. These are strong signs your partner isn’t the one.
3. Your Communication Was Bad Early On
As it turns out, the way we communicate with our partners from the very beginning can predict whether or not our relationship is built to withstand the test of time. In fact, it may be one of the biggest early relationship warning signs. At least, that’s what a study from 2010 found.
University of Denver researchers analyzed communication patterns among partners from before marriage into their first several years as newlyweds. The evidence was clear: couples who had poor communication patterns early on were more likely to experience marital distress or divorce later on.
Some of the communication patterns they noted were escalating arguments, unresolved conflict, and constant criticism. Even after the honeymoon phase ended, the communication patterns stayed the same.
The findings confirm that if things have always been hard with your partner, it’s not just a phase or something you’ll grow out of. Over time, it will lead to long-term relationship instability.
This science-backed relationship advice may be painful, but it is logical. If things seem difficult communication-wise from the get-go, there’s a good chance that you’re with the wrong person.
4. You (or Your Partner) Feel Helpless About Improving the Relationship
People in healthy relationships figure out a way to work through their problems together. A 2023 study out of the University of Oviedo and the University of Verona looked into “marital locus of control.” This determines how much control an individual feels they have over improving their relationship.
The findings were clear: when people believed they had little power to improve their relationship, they were far more likely to break up.
If either you or your significant other feels helpless about improving the relationship, it could be a relationship red flag. Feeling helpless makes you significantly more likely to end the relationship.
5. You (Or Your Partner) Is Disappointed by the Relationship
Talking about partners in a positive light is a relationship green flag. When the opposite is true, it can be a sign that you’re with the wrong person.
A study conducted by John Gottman found that individuals who expressed disappointment, sadness, and regret were significantly more likely to get a divorce. On the other hand, people who spoke about it with warmth and affection were more likely to stay together. Another factor? When people talked about their partners as if they were a united front (using “we” instead of “I”), they were more likely to work out than those who didn’t.
This research was so strong that Gottman was able to predict relationship outcomes with nearly 94% accuracy. If you feel nothing but disappointment about your relationship (or if your partner does), it could be a powerful indication that you’re with the wrong person.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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